Strange moments

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As most know, the last 18 months have been a roller coaster of emotions.  A myriad of sadness, happiness, hopelessness, depression, and even hope. At times, hard to overcome, and other times a joy.  I swelled in pride at my boys' accomplishments, sighed at their struggles, and cried at their pain.

For some strange reason, I've been feeling off kilter lately.  I can't explain it.  Just doesn't feel right.  Something bubbling at the surface.  A mixture of anxiety, fear, sadness, insecurity, and anger.  Anger at myself, fear for the future, sadness about past lives, anxiety for possibilities, and insecurity about everything.

Today, I reached a point.  I was in a meeting with my boss this morning.  I got a phone call from my youngest.  It seems my oldest had a tempter flare-up and now there is a crack in my television screen.  Now, I wasn't angry at the crack.  I felt overwhelmed.  That I lost control.  Every single thing that was building up just boiled over, and I just broke down. All I could do was cry.  So I did.  My boss, understandably was concerned.  He was ready to send me home if I needed.  It's my first major meltdown in quite a while.  The only that struck me the most, was that I really didn't have anyone to turn to.  My wife, she was dealing first hand with my son and his meltdown.  I don't want to concern my family.  Not right to bother my wife's family, not their concern.  True best friends?  I can count them on 1 fist.  That moment, I don't think I ever felt more alone.  Normally, in the movie, this is where the happy ending comes.  That victorious music plays, everyone reunites.  Theater empties and everyone gets that warm fuzzy feeling.  It doesn't work that way though.  All I can do is focus and trudge on.  I'm sure there will be more episodes.  The feelings don't change, the loss and mourning.  They just don't come as often, though one can never predict when they will come.

My Chemical Romance -  "Sing"
"Sing it for the boys
Sing it for the girls
Every time that you lose it sing it for the world
Sing it from the heart
Sing it till you're not
Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts
Sing it for the deaf
Sing it for the blind
Sing about everyone that you left behind
Sing it for the world
Sing it for the world
You've got to see what tomorrow brings
Sing it for the world
Sing it for the world
Yeah, you've got to be what tomorrow needs
Sing it for the world
Sing it for the world"

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