The moment you wonder....

When did you feel lonely? Was it late at night?  Sitting alone at work?  In the shower?  This may sound like a pity rant and perhaps it is.

Back in June, I made a hard hard decision.  Life altering.  And it was the correct one, but it didn't make it any easier.  I risked alienating those in my social circle.  My social networking friends.  My kids and my volunteering activities.  It was a decision years in the making and thought about.  It was accelerated due to personal and professional situations.  It was still the correct one.

So I made this decision.   I closed my circle tighter.   Reached out to some and got either rebuffed or support.   Took 216 people out of my social networking.  Focused on my boys and making sure that was right.

Now, I sit here months later.  And realize that some of those people, those who claimed to be there really aren't.   You seen even in my struggle,  I still gave 110% to some.  I reached out to those who needed help, thinking maybe helping others would help me.   In hindsight, I now feel more lonely.

I get tired of reaching out.  Texting or calling first.  Getting no replies or no thank you.  I try not to drag people down.  I try not talk about my fears and worries.  My anger and insecurities.  I hide in my corner.  

And now I realize I'm so lonely.   I don't want people to drop everything for me.  Is it bad I just want someone to give a shit?  Call once in a while or initiate a conversation.  Reach out and say how are you doing?  Because this is fucking hard.  And I'm trying my best to not smother someone with my stress and fears.  Because she needs that space too.  She has her own issues and doesn't need to be dragged down by worrying about me.

I know it sounds selfish.   I wouldn't mind hearing a friendly voice on the phone instead of a bank collection call.  Or a note in the door or on car saying hey, I was thinking of you.  Or even a return text when I try to see how you are doing.

Yes I know I have no friends to hang out with.  And it fucking kills me not seeing my boys.  And I can't get mad when an 11 year old doesn't want to return his dad's call or text.  

But dammit, I hate being alone in my head.  It's a scary place with thinking of all these worst case scenarios.  And I feel trapped because I can't do this or that. I'm tired ... tired of tears.....fears....anger.  Tired of feeling like no one actually gives 2 shits,  though I know it's true.  I'm expendable.  Always have been and always will.  And I'm such a sad individual that I come fucking crawling back when someone decides they need me because I'm lonely.