Quicksand of the mind
Sometimes being alone in your thoughts can be the worst thing. Stuck in this perpetual loop. I know I'm a flawed man. Mass insecurities from years of bullying in school, countless insults from former "friends" and co-workers. Being told I wasn't good enough for this person or that person. Insults about my looks and body. Add to that an extreme lack of self confidence, we get to where I am today.
I was once told by an ex-gf that one of my biggest flaws is that I don't let people in. I'll admit to that. I'm afraid of letting my true feelings out. I'm afraid that I'll be mocked for them. That I'll be told I'm not good enough. That is probably the single biggest reason I'm an emotional mess now. I was afraid I didn't deserve to be happy, that I wasn't good enough for someone else. So I stayed in a flawed marriage, worked to preserve that marriage for a long time, well beyond the expiration date. I gave excuses that I needed to be there for my kids. That after M-Jay passed, we needed to be together. I made a mistake.
You see, I wasn't fair to my ex or my kids. They deserve someone who can live up to expectations that I wasn't capable of in that situation. I was depressed, anxious, and suicidal. I wasn't the father I needed to be and I couldn't be the right type of partner she needed. So we fought. Not the typical screaming matches, but more passive aggressive. She was frustrated and got upset. And I took it. I took the insults thrown at me. The negativity and the blame. I took blame for every little thing wrong. And the more I did, the more I enabled the situation. The more it made it seem right. That I was failing as a father and husband. That I caused the issues my oldest had. The financial hardship was because I got fired. I started believing more and more that every flaw in our marriage, that was building up over so many years was my burden.
I didn't know how to escape that rabbit hole. Actually more like quicksand. The more I struggled internally, the more I kept falling further inside the abyss. Unbeknownst to everyone, I had a mental health screening at my old job and was diagnosed as borderline depressive. I had a weekly counseling at my old job. When I lost that job, the guilt was overwhelming. Compound that with the guilt I was getting from home, I almost made another mistake. I almost took a cowards way out. Months later, those thoughts came back. And I credit 2 people with saving me. Their names don't need to be mentioned, but they know who they are.
So now we fast forward a period of 10 months since the almost first mistake and 4 months since the almost 2nd mistake in that abyss. And while I do not have those dark thoughts anymore, I still have that fear and insecurities. I still have those doubts. This divorce is the hardest on my oldest. He's at that age where he wants to believe everything but has those doubts in his head. He wants to make both his parents happy but wants to branch out for himself. So I have to force myself to smile around him sometimes, to reassure that all will be all right. I tell him not to worry, just worry about doing his homework and being a kid. I say all the right words with a smile on my face and hugging him in my arms
But honestly I'm petrified. Due to circumstances, I feel trapped. I can't give him and his brothers the time they truly deserve because of finances. I'm afraid my choices cost him his best friend. That kills me inside. The past 3 days, all I've done is lied down in the bed where I sleep and cry myself to sleep. I'm afraid of causing those I care about pain. The worst is I don't have an outlet. I am a loner. And I had to push the person who was my rock for the last 7 months away because it's the best for them. I'd rather they and my kids not worry about me and focus on making things right in their lives.
So I turn here. To this outlet, that I used so much when M-Jay passed to try to explain and get out of my feelings. Because I don't want to back to those dark places again. I don't want that quicksand. I want butterflies and cardinals and dragonflies. Rainbows and warmth. Yet, in a room full of people, I can't help but feel alone. So as I write this, I don't know if it's a cry for help. If it's releasing those feelings. Maybe it's the first step of the journey from the bottom.
I was once told by an ex-gf that one of my biggest flaws is that I don't let people in. I'll admit to that. I'm afraid of letting my true feelings out. I'm afraid that I'll be mocked for them. That I'll be told I'm not good enough. That is probably the single biggest reason I'm an emotional mess now. I was afraid I didn't deserve to be happy, that I wasn't good enough for someone else. So I stayed in a flawed marriage, worked to preserve that marriage for a long time, well beyond the expiration date. I gave excuses that I needed to be there for my kids. That after M-Jay passed, we needed to be together. I made a mistake.
You see, I wasn't fair to my ex or my kids. They deserve someone who can live up to expectations that I wasn't capable of in that situation. I was depressed, anxious, and suicidal. I wasn't the father I needed to be and I couldn't be the right type of partner she needed. So we fought. Not the typical screaming matches, but more passive aggressive. She was frustrated and got upset. And I took it. I took the insults thrown at me. The negativity and the blame. I took blame for every little thing wrong. And the more I did, the more I enabled the situation. The more it made it seem right. That I was failing as a father and husband. That I caused the issues my oldest had. The financial hardship was because I got fired. I started believing more and more that every flaw in our marriage, that was building up over so many years was my burden.
I didn't know how to escape that rabbit hole. Actually more like quicksand. The more I struggled internally, the more I kept falling further inside the abyss. Unbeknownst to everyone, I had a mental health screening at my old job and was diagnosed as borderline depressive. I had a weekly counseling at my old job. When I lost that job, the guilt was overwhelming. Compound that with the guilt I was getting from home, I almost made another mistake. I almost took a cowards way out. Months later, those thoughts came back. And I credit 2 people with saving me. Their names don't need to be mentioned, but they know who they are.
So now we fast forward a period of 10 months since the almost first mistake and 4 months since the almost 2nd mistake in that abyss. And while I do not have those dark thoughts anymore, I still have that fear and insecurities. I still have those doubts. This divorce is the hardest on my oldest. He's at that age where he wants to believe everything but has those doubts in his head. He wants to make both his parents happy but wants to branch out for himself. So I have to force myself to smile around him sometimes, to reassure that all will be all right. I tell him not to worry, just worry about doing his homework and being a kid. I say all the right words with a smile on my face and hugging him in my arms
But honestly I'm petrified. Due to circumstances, I feel trapped. I can't give him and his brothers the time they truly deserve because of finances. I'm afraid my choices cost him his best friend. That kills me inside. The past 3 days, all I've done is lied down in the bed where I sleep and cry myself to sleep. I'm afraid of causing those I care about pain. The worst is I don't have an outlet. I am a loner. And I had to push the person who was my rock for the last 7 months away because it's the best for them. I'd rather they and my kids not worry about me and focus on making things right in their lives.
So I turn here. To this outlet, that I used so much when M-Jay passed to try to explain and get out of my feelings. Because I don't want to back to those dark places again. I don't want that quicksand. I want butterflies and cardinals and dragonflies. Rainbows and warmth. Yet, in a room full of people, I can't help but feel alone. So as I write this, I don't know if it's a cry for help. If it's releasing those feelings. Maybe it's the first step of the journey from the bottom.
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