Ramblings of an idiot

When did you feel lonely? Was it late at night?  Sitting alone at work?  In the shower?  This may sound like a pity rant and perhaps it is. Back in June, I made a hard hard decision.  Life altering.  And it was the correct one, but it didn't make it any easier.  I risked alienating those in my social circle.  My social networking friends.  My kids and my volunteering activities.  It was a decision years in the making and thought about.  It was accelerated due to personal and professional situations.  It was still the correct one. So I made this decision.   I closed my circle tighter.   Reached out to some and got either rebuffed or support.   Took 216 people out of my social networking.  Focused on my boys and making sure that was right. Now, I sit here months later.  And realize that some of those people, those who claimed to be there really aren't.   You seen even in my struggle,  I still gave 110% to some.  I reached out to those who needed help, thinking maybe helping ot

Right now I'm watching Season 5 of Glee, episode 3. The Quarterback.   Those who are close to me know how this show was instrumental in my healing process after M-Jay passed.  And maybe 2 months ago, I watched this episode with someone who's song is in my heart,  "I'll stand by you" I admit this episode pulls at the heart strings.  Especially when they talk about how a parent buries a child. I've never been fond at glorifying celebrity, especially those struck down by their own mistakes.   But I admit, I felt twinges in my heart when I heard Cory Monteith passed. This last week, I've had a myriad of emotions going through my head for various reasons.   I was able to talk and let out something inside that needed to be said.  Maybe thats the lesson.  Life is too short to be trapped inside yourself or a situation.  If you care, let that person know.   You never know how things could change

What is hope? Hope is expecting the best possible outcome. What is faith? Faith is knowing whatever happens is meant to be. What is love? Doing everything you can to make sure someone else is happy because that makes you happy.  Love almost seems like sacrifice.  And in a way, they are one and the same.   Love can also be, no matter how selfish you are,  humbling.   Putting someone else's needs above yours.   Whether a partner or your kids. Sometimes love is letting go of a toxic situation.  Because you love the idea of something so much and pour years of yourself into an ideal that could never be. Love can be taking your fears,  troubles, insecurities, and stress and hiding it away just so someone can deal with theirs.  You do that hoping and having faith that when it's said and done, they find their way back to you.  Knowing while it's hard on you, it's harder on them. In the end, all 3 are intertwined.  And with all 3, definitions can vary person to person. 

Sometimes being alone in your thoughts can be the worst thing.  Stuck in this perpetual loop.  I know I'm a flawed man.  Mass insecurities from years of bullying in school, countless insults from former "friends" and co-workers.  Being told I wasn't good enough for this person or that person.  Insults about my looks and body.  Add to that an extreme lack of self confidence, we get to where I am today. I was once told by an ex-gf that one of my biggest flaws is that I don't let people in.  I'll admit to that.  I'm afraid of letting my true feelings out.  I'm afraid that I'll be mocked for them.  That I'll be told I'm not good enough.  That is probably the single biggest reason I'm an emotional mess now.  I was afraid I didn't deserve to be happy, that I wasn't good enough for someone else.  So I stayed in a flawed marriage, worked to preserve that marriage for a long time, well beyond the expiration date.  I gave excuses that I