Ramblings of an idiot

One of the hardest things one can do is make the decision to leave a situation. Especially when children are involved.  The decision can be made for various reasons.  Regardless of anything, the kids should be the most important factor in decisions You may hate your ex.  You may be angry and hurt.  Perhaps scared or don't want to let go.  I know I get afraid and scared at times.  I question all I do.  However, this is about something else. This part is now addressed to certain people who will remain nameless.  I'm sure they will never see this,  and if they did, I hope they understand that this is not an attack or being malicious. Anger does no-one any good.  Pettiness does no-one any good.  No matter the reason for the fights, whether money, ego or pride, does no good for these kids.   They don't care about what we think of each other or what you think of your ex.  They want to be loved.  They want to feel safe.  Talking about your ex just confuses them.  They love both

I'll be honest.   I don't want to be an asshole.   I don't want issues or troubles.   I want healing.   That's what everyone needs. A chance to grow anew.  Without anger.  Without prejudice My only goal is the survival of my kids. I learned this lesson from my mom as I had my own kids.   They don't have everything, but they'll have what they need.   Love.  Support.   Freedom to be a kid.   Roof over their head.   Food on table.   They will be taught respect for their fellow humans.   This is for all the kids.   When I make the hard decisions, I know it will be right for all.   Last night, I made the decision to be right where I needed to be.   Yesterday was bittersweet.  It was an anniversary of an union that's now in the process of being no more.   Yet last night, thinking about my choice, I know with no doubt in my mind, that at 9pm.  I was in the absolutely right place.   Where I was meant to be. I don't know the curves or roads of this journey,  b

When did you feel lonely? Was it late at night?  Sitting alone at work?  In the shower?  This may sound like a pity rant and perhaps it is. Back in June, I made a hard hard decision.  Life altering.  And it was the correct one, but it didn't make it any easier.  I risked alienating those in my social circle.  My social networking friends.  My kids and my volunteering activities.  It was a decision years in the making and thought about.  It was accelerated due to personal and professional situations.  It was still the correct one. So I made this decision.   I closed my circle tighter.   Reached out to some and got either rebuffed or support.   Took 216 people out of my social networking.  Focused on my boys and making sure that was right. Now, I sit here months later.  And realize that some of those people, those who claimed to be there really aren't.   You seen even in my struggle,  I still gave 110% to some.  I reached out to those who needed help, thinking maybe helping ot

Right now I'm watching Season 5 of Glee, episode 3. The Quarterback.   Those who are close to me know how this show was instrumental in my healing process after M-Jay passed.  And maybe 2 months ago, I watched this episode with someone who's song is in my heart,  "I'll stand by you" I admit this episode pulls at the heart strings.  Especially when they talk about how a parent buries a child. I've never been fond at glorifying celebrity, especially those struck down by their own mistakes.   But I admit, I felt twinges in my heart when I heard Cory Monteith passed. This last week, I've had a myriad of emotions going through my head for various reasons.   I was able to talk and let out something inside that needed to be said.  Maybe thats the lesson.  Life is too short to be trapped inside yourself or a situation.  If you care, let that person know.   You never know how things could change

What is hope? Hope is expecting the best possible outcome. What is faith? Faith is knowing whatever happens is meant to be. What is love? Doing everything you can to make sure someone else is happy because that makes you happy.  Love almost seems like sacrifice.  And in a way, they are one and the same.   Love can also be, no matter how selfish you are,  humbling.   Putting someone else's needs above yours.   Whether a partner or your kids. Sometimes love is letting go of a toxic situation.  Because you love the idea of something so much and pour years of yourself into an ideal that could never be. Love can be taking your fears,  troubles, insecurities, and stress and hiding it away just so someone can deal with theirs.  You do that hoping and having faith that when it's said and done, they find their way back to you.  Knowing while it's hard on you, it's harder on them. In the end, all 3 are intertwined.  And with all 3, definitions can vary person to person. 

Sometimes being alone in your thoughts can be the worst thing.  Stuck in this perpetual loop.  I know I'm a flawed man.  Mass insecurities from years of bullying in school, countless insults from former "friends" and co-workers.  Being told I wasn't good enough for this person or that person.  Insults about my looks and body.  Add to that an extreme lack of self confidence, we get to where I am today. I was once told by an ex-gf that one of my biggest flaws is that I don't let people in.  I'll admit to that.  I'm afraid of letting my true feelings out.  I'm afraid that I'll be mocked for them.  That I'll be told I'm not good enough.  That is probably the single biggest reason I'm an emotional mess now.  I was afraid I didn't deserve to be happy, that I wasn't good enough for someone else.  So I stayed in a flawed marriage, worked to preserve that marriage for a long time, well beyond the expiration date.  I gave excuses that I

Tonight, I smiled a genuine smile. For the first time in I can't remember when.  I saw in pride, my oldest realize his potential in his own eyes.  His self confidence growing.  I see my two others, growing and changing.  All in good ways.  Smiling without fear.  The tension behind the scenes leaving them.  I felt true love and friendship from someone, a true soul to soul connection I've never felt.  Free, comfortable to be myself, support and not judgement. I also saw pain.  From someone who's connection to me is growing.  However, I also felt trust.  Willing while in that pain, this young man still let me reach out to him.  To hesitantly let me support him.  And I felt hope.   And I smiled because that trust is also amazing. And I got hugs from sweet little girls.  One of these girls is afraid to be picked up.  Yet she likes to hold on to my arm and be lifted, swinging like a monkey.  And the other, she has that need to be heard.  Maybe the middle child syndrome.  De

This past weekend, I watched my oldest son cross over a threshold, a bridge literally and figuratively.  An adventure him and I started to get him out of his shell, to make friends goes on, with a bit more independence and self reliance.  Skills and achievements that he didn't think were possible, earned and awarded.  It was a mixture of pride and sadness.  He is now part of amazing boy led troop, not a parent led pack.  He will be on equal footing with other boys who have taken that journey.  I'm sure that his natural leader abilities will continue to grow and shine in his new adventure. However, it got me thinking.  None of the boys he started with continued, with the last one dropping out last year.  I also thought about the various reasons I've heard over the last 4 1/2 years of why this scout stopped coming or that scout dropped out.  There are the various misconceptions about it being uncool or that sports are a better future.  I can dispute that with this past Supe