Ramblings of an idiot

"And when the broken hearted people Living in the world agree, There will be an answer, let it be. For though they may be parted there is Still a chance that they will see There will be an answer, let it be. Let it be, let it be. yeah There will be an answer, let it be.  I enter this day as 34 years old.  My final day at 34.  I've gone through a life of reflection it seems, in only 20 months.  Heart heavy, tears flowing, sadness and happiness over and over. I've lost friends, gained new.  Found out more about myself than I knew.  Fear, hopes, dreams, failures, and successes.  At yesterday's Walk to Remember, I saw the pain and grief that was etched in the faces of parents with new losses and old losses.  I saw the smiles of rainbows, of children that followed.  I saw hope and fear in faces of parents who've lost, and are expecting again.  The wisdom that follows pain, and sometimes beauty also.  In spoken words, songs that are sung, and pictures made.  25 years

As most know, the last 18 months have been a roller coaster of emotions.  A myriad of sadness, happiness, hopelessness, depression, and even hope. At times, hard to overcome, and other times a joy.  I swelled in pride at my boys' accomplishments, sighed at their struggles, and cried at their pain. For some strange reason, I've been feeling off kilter lately.  I can't explain it.  Just doesn't feel right.  Something bubbling at the surface.  A mixture of anxiety, fear, sadness, insecurity, and anger.  Anger at myself, fear for the future, sadness about past lives, anxiety for possibilities, and insecurity about everything. Today, I reached a point.  I was in a meeting with my boss this morning.  I got a phone call from my youngest.  It seems my oldest had a tempter flare-up and now there is a crack in my television screen.  Now, I wasn't angry at the crack.  I felt overwhelmed.  That I lost control.  Every single thing that was building up just boiled over, and I

I am a face of grief. On February 1, 2012, my 3 rd child was born an angel. Everything I knew became turned upside down and all around. Up become down and left became right. Slowly, but surely, this loss, this tragedy has become a new normal. Good or bad, it is what it is. I can't change the past anymore than anyone else can. I can learn. Learn how to adapt, what my new normal is. By overall, I did too. I also learned that while people didn't know what to say when my daughter was stillborn, that I now have become a face of comfort so to speak. In the beginning of May, I saw a co-worker that I haven't seen in over a year. He had just heard about what happened with my family. Maybe feeling a kindred spirit or soul, he made a confession to me that he hadn't made to anyone except his parents. Him and his wife had a loss, though not the same as mine, but gut wrenching nonetheless. Just recently, during my work day, I dealt with another issue. As a deli

A day of tears, a day of cuteness.  A day of memories, good and bad.  A day of finding each other, remembrance, and love.  Mother's day.  Where we honor our mothers, those still with us, those gone.  Where as mothers look at little ones and grown ones, thinking of past days.  There are brunches, dinners, cards, flowers, and gifts. I didn't get to see my mother this mother's day weekend though, it's for reasons beyond control.  There was an emergency with my grandfather, and my mom is helping my grandmother with that. Rest assured, I do miss that opportunity and do love them both very much.  Mom and Nana, you are my heroes, my best friends growing up.  Thank you for making me the man I am and father I aspire to be.  <3 Though, I feel a twinge in my heart for those who are suffering today.  Some very dear friends of mine.  Some recent, some who've I feel like I've known for ages.  My heart today, suffers with you.  You are a mother, though your angel isn

I know about Good Friday being the day of Jesus being crucified.  I also know Easter being the day He has risen.  However, is Easter truly a holiday?  I ask because of recently reading a shared status of what paganism and Easter have in common.  It made me think (which as people know, can be dangerous)  In the interest of full disclosure, most know I am a Sunday School teacher with the United Methodist Church.  I am also a cub scout leader with the Methodist church being our charter organization. On to our thought provoking blog (hopefully) It seems to be universally recognized that Jesus of Nazareth was born on December 25.  Born from a virgin, a teacher, and ordered to death by Pontius Pilate.  However, upon reading more, that may be a little off also.  Apparently the western civilized christian celebrated on 12/15 and the eastern christian felt Jan 6 was the birthday.  Irregardless of the date, it eventually was immortalized as 12/25.  Our culture today, secular and non secular r

The old me would have taken down my words.  Afraid of offending someone or causing everlasting issues.  Again, that was the old me.  The old me .... sounds weird saying that.  That old me was ripped apart, changed 13 months ago.  Right now, I say, I am NOT SORRY for what I said before.  Those were my feelings.  I was and am hurt over what happened.  This blog is a way for me to release my feelings so they don't take me over and eat me up inside.  If what I say before hurts feelings or bothers, than maybe self reflection is in order.  The hardest critic is always the one in the mirror.  If I've made you think or contemplate the other side of the coin, then I thank you letting me do that.  Yes I know some of these posts are hard to stomach.  Some are raw, some are nonsensical.  Again, refer to the title of the blog. Sometimes, I have a hard time saying how I feel.  Worried how it comes out.  I have more pain and anger in me that I had before.  I am trying to deal with it.  I ca

For the most part, I don't hold them.  Not worth the time or effort.  Doesn't mean I forget, just not worth the space in my head.  Over the last year, I tried to contact old acquaintances from high school.  I won't say friends because truthfully, I don't have any friends from high school.  I tried to mend fences of those I've crossed in life.  I looked at my past, current, and future.  I looked back at the last 13 1/2 months.  I go back to that one singular week that forever changed my life.  And I hold 1 grudge.  1 major grudge. When M-Jay passed, there was an outpouring of support.  More people than I could ever think of reached out, to try to help, to send condolences or just to lend a shoulder to lean on.  People I barely knew.  People I knew years ago.   People I recently met.  However, there were 3 that didn't reach out at all.  Sam.  One of the bridges I burned at the behest of someone.  While we were never particularly close, still had the cordial hi

This blog will be filled with random opinionated thoughts.  You might get offended.  I don't care but please don't bitch.  Your opinion can be recognized if formulated in an reasonable statement.  Otherwise, fuck off (and I mean that in the nicest possible way) On the radio today, I heard a statement from of all people, a sports commentator.  It gave me pause, and made me stop and listen.  This man, who is usually full of vitriol, said quite simply "As a black man, in the sports community, I have to wonder when we start taking responsibility for what we have become and stop blaming the world."  This statement though isn't just a blanket statement for the black community.  It can be used to describe the any class or ethnic person in this country.  Every one blames the world for what they have or don't have.  It's someone else's fault if they don't get what they want.  Politics is just grandstanding.  No-one gives a shit about the common good anymo

Reflection is of order.  On February 18th, we held a memorial service for our little girl, our angel.  On that day, we packed a church.  That day, people poured out of the woodwork, people we NEVER expected.  Also a ton of emails, texts, and phone calls from people who wanted to be there for us, but couldn't.   It gave me pause.  It also clarified, or magnified the people who WEREN'T there, who made no effort.  That by far, was the hardest speech I EVER gave. (though December's candle lighting was a close 2nd).  I'm more grateful for things I have, and less patience with others.  I have no use for baseless drama or stupidity.  I'm grateful for people like Dawn, Eliss, Katie, Mary, Tosh, Meghan, and countless others I don't mention (even when they don't smack me for bringing it into the gutter).  I have an incredibly understanding boss who has shown to be willing to bend over backwards for me if I'm down in the dumps.  My wife and kids are still my life

On January 31, 2012, I met my wife for an emergency OB appointment.  She hadn't felt the baby move since early the morning in the shower.  Little did I know how much our lives and our whole mental make-up would change.  As the nurse hooked my wife up to the monitor, she tried to find the heartbeat.  She swore she heard it.  Another nurse came in, and then the dr.    After a few minutes, they said we should go to the hospital as a precaution.  Sugarcoating it, was putting it mildly.  That day, was the day a piece of me died.  A piece of my wife died. That day, I changed.  You don't know sadness until you have to tell someone your baby died.  That you have to explain to a then 6 year old that mommy WON'T be coming home with a new baby.  There is guilt, fear, anger, and sadness.  You have a wife who STILL feels guilty, though in her heart she knows it's not her fault, her brain can't fathom that and she blames herself.  You have helpless nurses and dr's, just s

In the last year, it has been a year of reflection.  Looking in the mirror, and seeing more and more of what I didn't like, literally.  I noticed by body was certainly in shape, round.  Seriously, I felt horrible looking at myself.  I decided to make a change.  Unfortunately at the same time, the bottom of my sales dropped out and my paychecks and incremental spending also went.  I couldn't afford it.  So, everyday I made myself disgusted looking at myself in the mirror, still indulging in the same stupid eating habits while feeling sorry for myself.  So, when it came to Christmas, and my grandmother yelling at me because I didn't ask for anything, I said "You can get me a gym membership." To make a long story short, she did.... the end...Ok, that won't work because I going to bore you with MORE details. I decided to pace myself at a reasonable pace.  3 days a week.  1 to 1 1/2 hrs a week.  I started off simple the first day, it was 20 minutes on treadmill

From Wikipedia The Second Amendment ( Amendment II ) to the United States Constitution is the part of the United States Bill of Rights that protects the right of the people to keep and bear arms . It was adopted on December 15, 1791, along with the rest of the Bill of Rights. The Supreme Court of the United States has ruled that the Second Amendment protects an individual right to possess and carry firearms. [ 1 ] It seems that everyone is up in arms lately, no pun intended.  Comparing Obama to Hitler.  Saying the Sandy H ook tragedy was either staged and completely fake, or that it was set-up by the govern ment.  Seriously?  Really?  Wh ile I don't agree with the president on a lot of the fis cal issues, I don't see any effort to take away guns, I just see more regulations.  Of course, the real problem isn' t truly addressed nor does these actions trul y prevent another mass shooting.  Let's look at some of this possible exec ut ive orders. Provide law en

This blog has been an outlet for me the last few weeks.  Of course, no-one has really seen the last few pieces I wrote as I wrote them, and then deleted them for public consumption.  However, a new year brings new resolutions.  A new clarity I suppose.  It means a new start, though the next month is painful and sad.  Upcoming memories of past moments.  February will be especially tough.  Again, I find myself cynical of people and their motives.  I doubt that will change.  There are things that do change though.  Personal behavior.  Once again, I am going to the gym.  Trying to get myself in a better shape and state of mind.  Maybe a better body will give me a better self image.  Maybe not, but worth a shot.  This biggest change, is this though.  The blog.  I had stopped really 'writing' after college.  I had a cheap blog type page before, filled with inane nonsense and stupid posts on it.  I vaguely tried to cater to people, thinking those nice page hits meant popularity. I w