Insights of a idiot

This blog has been an outlet for me the last few weeks.  Of course, no-one has really seen the last few pieces I wrote as I wrote them, and then deleted them for public consumption.  However, a new year brings new resolutions.  A new clarity I suppose.  It means a new start, though the next month is painful and sad.  Upcoming memories of past moments.  February will be especially tough.  Again, I find myself cynical of people and their motives.  I doubt that will change.  There are things that do change though.  Personal behavior.  Once again, I am going to the gym.  Trying to get myself in a better shape and state of mind.  Maybe a better body will give me a better self image.  Maybe not, but worth a shot.  This biggest change, is this though.  The blog.  I had stopped really 'writing' after college.  I had a cheap blog type page before, filled with inane nonsense and stupid posts on it.  I vaguely tried to cater to people, thinking those nice page hits meant popularity.

I was wrong and misguided.  In reality, it was a continuation of school, eager to please.  Hoping to find a niche to fit into.  Surprisingly, just like high school, I never did.  Even the ones I though I fit into turned out to be wrong as every other one.  Though in high school, I did write for 'real'  I wrote for the school newspaper and also for the local town paper, covering local high school sports.  When I graduated from school and moved onto my failed college years, I wrote for the town and the college newspaper.  I stopped writing for the town due to my schedule not accommodating the local sports scene.  I still wrote for the college paper, which was a weekly publication.  It was a small column about being a freshman.  Then I got my 'big break.'  I was supposed to write a huge cover story for the homecoming football game.  As most know, college football is big in the country.  My college was trying to become a university (Which it did get by the end of June 97) .  While not on the same level athletically, they were on the cusp of being financially self solvent via being a Division III school.  Their baseball program won a national title that spring and they wanted to have a football equivalent (in press stature).

Well, I wrote that story.  It was one hell of a story, if I say so myself.  I had the school's AD, the coach, some players, and the college president all interviewed.  I had turned the story in with 2 days to spare before the deadline, Monday morning.  Man was I pumped.  The sports editor loved it.  2 days later, on the day of the deadline, I was told to call them about the story.  I called, first time I was told they lost it temporarily, call back later.  When I did, I got an answering machine.  I tried later that day, then went to work.  I called the next day before classes.  I stopped by the office after classes.  The editor in chief was busy, but I was given a letter saying my article was sloppy, poor grammar, and they weren't going with it. The editor felt that my writing style wasn't good enough for the paper.  Fine, ego damaged, dreams crushed for the moment.  A little bit of self evaluation at the moment.  I still enjoyed my classes.  I still worked, had to keep my options open.  The school newspaper came out that Friday, the day before the game.  Well, I must say my eyes were glued to that paper.  That cover story WAS awesome, sensational, great piece of work.  I knew it would be, it was mine.  Used word for word with NO credit given at all to who wrote it.  No byline, nothing.  I think that was the exact moment my love for college died.  I felt used and betrayed.  Not only was I told that it was sloppy and poorly written, that I wasn't good enough to write for the paper, they blatantly lied.  I think that also may have been the moment my naivety died.

I don't think my self confidence was ever shaken as much as it was then.  Honestly, that might be why I am the way I am today.  So, now I bare my soul again.  This time, to a possibly larger audience, though reasonably smaller at times.  I still have that nagging, that fear inside.  Failure.  Sloppy.  Not good enough.  Now though, I'm putting it aside.  I have bigger fears and concerns, which come again on Feb 1.  For now, I might be in the mood for a good day (TM Matthew Thwing)

Comments

  1. John, I think it would be a shame for you to not write. Write for yourself, not for the audience. No matter what you say, there is no way that everyone will love it, however, if you write for yourself, you will. You will also feel better which I know as well as you do. I used to do a lot of rambling writing, never to be read by anyone but me. It is a way to get it all out and off of my chest. You are braver than I though by publishing it. Just keep in mind that you have to do what works for you, forget everyone else. If people like it, we will read it, if not, they won't. The important thing is you get it out and find some peace in writing :) Oh, and by the way...screw that paper, some way for a college to act. Do this in spite of them. Even if it took years to get there, you're there now, cherish it, and know that even though I'm only one person, I enjoy your writing :)

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