Ramblings of an idiot

As most know, the last 18 months have been a roller coaster of emotions.  A myriad of sadness, happiness, hopelessness, depression, and even hope. At times, hard to overcome, and other times a joy.  I swelled in pride at my boys' accomplishments, sighed at their struggles, and cried at their pain. For some strange reason, I've been feeling off kilter lately.  I can't explain it.  Just doesn't feel right.  Something bubbling at the surface.  A mixture of anxiety, fear, sadness, insecurity, and anger.  Anger at myself, fear for the future, sadness about past lives, anxiety for possibilities, and insecurity about everything. Today, I reached a point.  I was in a meeting with my boss this morning.  I got a phone call from my youngest.  It seems my oldest had a tempter flare-up and now there is a crack in my television screen.  Now, I wasn't angry at the crack.  I felt overwhelmed.  That I lost control.  Every single t...

I am a face of grief. On February 1, 2012, my 3 rd child was born an angel. Everything I knew became turned upside down and all around. Up become down and left became right. Slowly, but surely, this loss, this tragedy has become a new normal. Good or bad, it is what it is. I can't change the past anymore than anyone else can. I can learn. Learn how to adapt, what my new normal is. By overall, I did too. I also learned that while people didn't know what to say when my daughter was stillborn, that I now have become a face of comfort so to speak. In the beginning of May, I saw a co-worker that I haven't seen in over a year. He had just heard about what happened with my family. Maybe feeling a kindred spirit or soul, he made a confession to me that he hadn't made to anyone except his parents. Him and his wife had a loss, though not the same as mine, but gut wrenching nonetheless. Just recently, during my work day, I dealt with another issue. As a deli...

A day of tears, a day of cuteness.  A day of memories, good and bad.  A day of finding each other, remembrance, and love.  Mother's day.  Where we honor our mothers, those still with us, those gone.  Where as mothers look at little ones and grown ones, thinking of past days.  There are brunches, dinners, cards, flowers, and gifts. I didn't get to see my mother this mother's day weekend though, it's for reasons beyond control.  There was an emergency with my grandfather, and my mom is helping my grandmother with that. Rest assured, I do miss that opportunity and do love them both very much.  Mom and Nana, you are my heroes, my best friends growing up.  Thank you for making me the man I am and father I aspire to be.  <3 Though, I feel a twinge in my heart for those who are suffering today.  Some very dear friends of mine.  Some recent, some who've I feel like I've known for ages.  My heart today, suffers with you....

I know about Good Friday being the day of Jesus being crucified.  I also know Easter being the day He has risen.  However, is Easter truly a holiday?  I ask because of recently reading a shared status of what paganism and Easter have in common.  It made me think (which as people know, can be dangerous)  In the interest of full disclosure, most know I am a Sunday School teacher with the United Methodist Church.  I am also a cub scout leader with the Methodist church being our charter organization. On to our thought provoking blog (hopefully) It seems to be universally recognized that Jesus of Nazareth was born on December 25.  Born from a virgin, a teacher, and ordered to death by Pontius Pilate.  However, upon reading more, that may be a little off also.  Apparently the western civilized christian celebrated on 12/15 and the eastern christian felt Jan 6 was the birthday.  Irregardless of the date, it eventually was immortalized as 12/...

The old me would have taken down my words.  Afraid of offending someone or causing everlasting issues.  Again, that was the old me.  The old me .... sounds weird saying that.  That old me was ripped apart, changed 13 months ago.  Right now, I say, I am NOT SORRY for what I said before.  Those were my feelings.  I was and am hurt over what happened.  This blog is a way for me to release my feelings so they don't take me over and eat me up inside.  If what I say before hurts feelings or bothers, than maybe self reflection is in order.  The hardest critic is always the one in the mirror.  If I've made you think or contemplate the other side of the coin, then I thank you letting me do that.  Yes I know some of these posts are hard to stomach.  Some are raw, some are nonsensical.  Again, refer to the title of the blog. Sometimes, I have a hard time saying how I feel.  Worried how it comes out.  I have more pain...

For the most part, I don't hold them.  Not worth the time or effort.  Doesn't mean I forget, just not worth the space in my head.  Over the last year, I tried to contact old acquaintances from high school.  I won't say friends because truthfully, I don't have any friends from high school.  I tried to mend fences of those I've crossed in life.  I looked at my past, current, and future.  I looked back at the last 13 1/2 months.  I go back to that one singular week that forever changed my life.  And I hold 1 grudge.  1 major grudge. When M-Jay passed, there was an outpouring of support.  More people than I could ever think of reached out, to try to help, to send condolences or just to lend a shoulder to lean on.  People I barely knew.  People I knew years ago.   People I recently met.  However, there were 3 that didn't reach out at all.  Sam.  One of the bridges I burned at the behest of someone....

This blog will be filled with random opinionated thoughts.  You might get offended.  I don't care but please don't bitch.  Your opinion can be recognized if formulated in an reasonable statement.  Otherwise, fuck off (and I mean that in the nicest possible way) On the radio today, I heard a statement from of all people, a sports commentator.  It gave me pause, and made me stop and listen.  This man, who is usually full of vitriol, said quite simply "As a black man, in the sports community, I have to wonder when we start taking responsibility for what we have become and stop blaming the world."  This statement though isn't just a blanket statement for the black community.  It can be used to describe the any class or ethnic person in this country.  Every one blames the world for what they have or don't have.  It's someone else's fault if they don't get what they want.  Politics is just grandstanding.  No-one gives a shit about ...