Oh Christmas Tree

Every year, I go all out and decorate our lawn.  Blow-ups, lights, figurines.  The whole shebang.  Even did our inside porch with a small tree and light-up deer.  Had to use the neighbors yard for lights after they gave us a wooden Santa sled about 3 1/2 feet tall and about 6 feet long.  I ended up in half of their yard, my side yard and my front yard.  I used spotlights on things to help the process.  It had to be planned out and spaced to maximize space and outlets.  We've even had people come by our house, year to year to see what new stuff we had.  Granted my front yard is pretty small, so it was an adventure

This year, as of this moment, it's plain.  No lights, just the grass that's always a standby.  I'm just not inspired to make the effort to do this project, no matter how it looks.  It's even hard to listen to christmas music, which I usually love.  I wear my Santa hat proudly from Black Friday to Christmas Day, but it's still in storage.  This year, there is even a lawn decorating contest (which I'm sure I could compete quite honorably in).  Nothing.  However, we've taken 1 step this year.  We got our Christmas tree

It's a real one, for the 2nd year in a row.  Not quite as big as last year as that one was a monstrosity.  I'm ok with this, though.  While it's sad that there isn't a 3rd child to enjoy this, no little girl presents to be opened, no sparkling eyes now or forever to see what Santa brought her, I still have the guilty pleasure of the boys waking up, wondering if Santa brought them something good they wanted.  At least with a tree, it's a semblance of celebration.  It's also inward.  We can put that angel on top of the tree, knowing it has new meaning this year.  We can put special decorations, that while they aren't "1st Christmas' decorations, still have meaning.

I know we'll still cry, wondering what might have been.  It'll be harder seeing the boys special ornaments, knowing M-Jay won't be part of that tradition.    The tears may flow harder.  This tree though, is special this year.  Maybe more special than ever.  It'll be our strength, determination, and faith in family.  Our dedication to the 4 of each other, that no matter what has happened or will happen, we won't forget the 5th member of our family, that we still have each other.  All 5 of us are here.  This year, the angel on the tree is more than symbolic, it's our daughter ALWAYS looking down on us, being with us.  This year, the tree is where we can share our happiness, our sadness, our smiles, and our tears.  This Christmas is more than material, its the gifts we have for each other.  Yes, we'll get angry at each other, or frustrated when the boys don't listen, but we still love each other.  At times, it'll be hard to remember that.  Especially when in a store, seeing a little girl, thinking is that what M-Jay would be like, or what would she do if she saw that.

This year, maybe the outside world won't be able to celebrate with us via my decorations.  I'm sure some wouldn't understand, but that's ok.  It's no concern to me.  My only concern is inside this house, making sure that angel is straight, those lights are just right, and those ornaments find the strongest branches