Innocence?
Do you remember when you TRULY lost your innocence? By that, I mean, when you realized your own mortality. Most of us had a some sort of pet growing up, that we lost. Yes it stung, and we cried. However, it didn't punch us in the gut, making us think about our own lives. That, usually was a family member.
I remember when my grandfather died. I remember being sad, but I wasn't sure I truly understood it at the time. I have my memories, but I had no idea how hard it was on anyone else. I don't think I had a true grasp on what finality death truly is. I remember a time my great grandmother had a stroke while I was at my grandmother's house. That, put a spark of fear into me. I remember her funeral, the open casket, the tears. Again though, she had lived her full life. Death was for when you got old.
Then in high school, I lost classmates, in a car accident. People my age. That's a stark reality staring at you straight in the face. Scary yes. Did I learn from it, not completely. I still drove like an idiot, I thought I was too young to have anything happen to me.
Even when my oldest was born 9 weeks premature, it didn't truly hit me. He came home after a month, scary as the month was. While there, I felt pain for the babies who didn't make it, but when we were a family, it didn't matter. It was almost out of sight, out of mind.
Fast forward 16 1/2 years since high school. On February 1, I lost my daughter. On Feb 6, we laid her into the ground. I knelt besides the wooden box, holding her ashes. I laid my gold wedding band on top of that box, and whispered "Made in love, go in love." My family was turned upside down. My wife still cries, feels guilty. I get my anger and sadness. I look at little girls with their dads and feel pangs of sadness, rage, and jealousy. Then I feel shame that I felt those feelings. I lose my temper more easily, and have a harder time sleeping. That innocence is completely gone, whatever remained with all those earlier events which shaped me, but didn't break me. I feel guilty talking to parents who've lost their first child.
I look at my boys. Happy, playing, rough housing (sometimes too hard) and smile. I also feel guilty for all those parents who don't even have one, yet I'm lucky enough to have the 2 boys already. I also think how their minds may be work. I had an inkling though last night at Cub Scouts.
We were having a discussion on how you talk and communicate with family. The first part was how do tell your mom or dad you are happy and what makes you happy. The 2nd part was the same, but with sadness. I noticed most of the boys talked about losing toys or video games, perhaps not getting something they asked for. Kameron had a down trodden look on his face, he told everyone he was sad due to his sister. 7 years old, having to realize how close death comes. A loss of innocent. One can only hope that is the only time in his youth that it touches him.
I remember when my grandfather died. I remember being sad, but I wasn't sure I truly understood it at the time. I have my memories, but I had no idea how hard it was on anyone else. I don't think I had a true grasp on what finality death truly is. I remember a time my great grandmother had a stroke while I was at my grandmother's house. That, put a spark of fear into me. I remember her funeral, the open casket, the tears. Again though, she had lived her full life. Death was for when you got old.
Then in high school, I lost classmates, in a car accident. People my age. That's a stark reality staring at you straight in the face. Scary yes. Did I learn from it, not completely. I still drove like an idiot, I thought I was too young to have anything happen to me.
Even when my oldest was born 9 weeks premature, it didn't truly hit me. He came home after a month, scary as the month was. While there, I felt pain for the babies who didn't make it, but when we were a family, it didn't matter. It was almost out of sight, out of mind.
Fast forward 16 1/2 years since high school. On February 1, I lost my daughter. On Feb 6, we laid her into the ground. I knelt besides the wooden box, holding her ashes. I laid my gold wedding band on top of that box, and whispered "Made in love, go in love." My family was turned upside down. My wife still cries, feels guilty. I get my anger and sadness. I look at little girls with their dads and feel pangs of sadness, rage, and jealousy. Then I feel shame that I felt those feelings. I lose my temper more easily, and have a harder time sleeping. That innocence is completely gone, whatever remained with all those earlier events which shaped me, but didn't break me. I feel guilty talking to parents who've lost their first child.
I look at my boys. Happy, playing, rough housing (sometimes too hard) and smile. I also feel guilty for all those parents who don't even have one, yet I'm lucky enough to have the 2 boys already. I also think how their minds may be work. I had an inkling though last night at Cub Scouts.
We were having a discussion on how you talk and communicate with family. The first part was how do tell your mom or dad you are happy and what makes you happy. The 2nd part was the same, but with sadness. I noticed most of the boys talked about losing toys or video games, perhaps not getting something they asked for. Kameron had a down trodden look on his face, he told everyone he was sad due to his sister. 7 years old, having to realize how close death comes. A loss of innocent. One can only hope that is the only time in his youth that it touches him.
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