Ramblings of an idiot

General rant #1 The reason we say Happy Holidays is not because of anti-christian motives, but because our community is diverse where we have those who celebrate Chanukah or Kwanzaa. Those of us who are decent enough say happy holidays so we can wish all our brothers and sisters a joyous holiday whatever they celebrate. General rant #2  Not everyone on the public assistance is "milking the system"  Yes, I now receive assistance.  I also work a full time job AND still struggle to make ends meet with my new job (which was not my choice to change jobs)  I have a family to feed, a mortgage to pay, and bills to meet.  I try to find a balance where my kids aren't deprived of luxuries like a pizza night once in a while or figure out how Santa will make it for Christmas without spoiling them or breaking my budget.  I feel bad I am now unable to do Salvation Army, or the usual 30 toys for Toys for Tots.  Don't assume just because you see a SNAP card or...

13 years ago on Thanksgiving, I lost someone near and dear to my heart.  As I grew up, I told myself I want my boys to have everything they need to make them great men.  Not materialistic, but in their hearts.  I hoped to be half the parent my mom was.  Today unfortunately, our family suffered a loss and my boys have to live through that feeling that I did so many years ago.  I am still thankful, that my mother, as independent as I am, still can calm me, whether it be a single word or look.  I am grateful for all the sacrifice she made as a single mom.  I hear my middle son read, and though he struggles, I watch him try and glad he makes that effort.  I watch my oldest, knowing most of this is easy as pie, and proud when he says he likes his tough teacher because she challenges him.  I watch my rainbow, with the wide curious eyes of youth, trying absorb all the information the world can afford him. I watch my wife, with her eyes filled with s...

The best gift you can give a parent who has lost a child.... is remembrance. 2 years of what-ifs.  2 years of should have been.  2 years of why.  I've had time to think, recall, and to remember.  I can recall holding that precious life that left entirely too early.  Cradling that body, hoping against hope that it was a bad dream.  That I'd blink, and it would be a bad dream.  I remember what people said.  The service, the tears.  A cold bitter wind at the cemetery. I sit here tonight, tears rolling down my cheeks in memory.  I know the pain doesn't leave.  I know my soul adapts.  It still hurts though.  That past 2 years have been sobering, hopeful, sad, and amazing (both good and bad).  Through tragedy, rises hope, like a phoenix. I am thankful for an outpouring of support, then and now. Now, through the storm clouds, the rain and despair, is a chance of hope.   For when the rain stops, a rainbow app...

"And when the broken hearted people Living in the world agree, There will be an answer, let it be. For though they may be parted there is Still a chance that they will see There will be an answer, let it be. Let it be, let it be. yeah There will be an answer, let it be.  I enter this day as 34 years old.  My final day at 34.  I've gone through a life of reflection it seems, in only 20 months.  Heart heavy, tears flowing, sadness and happiness over and over. I've lost friends, gained new.  Found out more about myself than I knew.  Fear, hopes, dreams, failures, and successes.  At yesterday's Walk to Remember, I saw the pain and grief that was etched in the faces of parents with new losses and old losses.  I saw the smiles of rainbows, of children that followed.  I saw hope and fear in faces of parents who've lost, and are expecting again.  The wisdom that follows pain, and sometimes beauty also.  In spoken words, songs that are su...

As most know, the last 18 months have been a roller coaster of emotions.  A myriad of sadness, happiness, hopelessness, depression, and even hope. At times, hard to overcome, and other times a joy.  I swelled in pride at my boys' accomplishments, sighed at their struggles, and cried at their pain. For some strange reason, I've been feeling off kilter lately.  I can't explain it.  Just doesn't feel right.  Something bubbling at the surface.  A mixture of anxiety, fear, sadness, insecurity, and anger.  Anger at myself, fear for the future, sadness about past lives, anxiety for possibilities, and insecurity about everything. Today, I reached a point.  I was in a meeting with my boss this morning.  I got a phone call from my youngest.  It seems my oldest had a tempter flare-up and now there is a crack in my television screen.  Now, I wasn't angry at the crack.  I felt overwhelmed.  That I lost control.  Every single t...

I am a face of grief. On February 1, 2012, my 3 rd child was born an angel. Everything I knew became turned upside down and all around. Up become down and left became right. Slowly, but surely, this loss, this tragedy has become a new normal. Good or bad, it is what it is. I can't change the past anymore than anyone else can. I can learn. Learn how to adapt, what my new normal is. By overall, I did too. I also learned that while people didn't know what to say when my daughter was stillborn, that I now have become a face of comfort so to speak. In the beginning of May, I saw a co-worker that I haven't seen in over a year. He had just heard about what happened with my family. Maybe feeling a kindred spirit or soul, he made a confession to me that he hadn't made to anyone except his parents. Him and his wife had a loss, though not the same as mine, but gut wrenching nonetheless. Just recently, during my work day, I dealt with another issue. As a deli...

A day of tears, a day of cuteness.  A day of memories, good and bad.  A day of finding each other, remembrance, and love.  Mother's day.  Where we honor our mothers, those still with us, those gone.  Where as mothers look at little ones and grown ones, thinking of past days.  There are brunches, dinners, cards, flowers, and gifts. I didn't get to see my mother this mother's day weekend though, it's for reasons beyond control.  There was an emergency with my grandfather, and my mom is helping my grandmother with that. Rest assured, I do miss that opportunity and do love them both very much.  Mom and Nana, you are my heroes, my best friends growing up.  Thank you for making me the man I am and father I aspire to be.  <3 Though, I feel a twinge in my heart for those who are suffering today.  Some very dear friends of mine.  Some recent, some who've I feel like I've known for ages.  My heart today, suffers with you....