Ramblings of an idiot

I'm sure I'll be shunned.  I'll be forced to hide in my house, beneath the covers from the masses.  How dare I?  Don't know you know how wrong you are, they'll say?  Racist!  Evil!  Right wing christian conservative! Ignorant! These ideas in my head, they've been around for a while.  I've had my mind FILLED with these evil thoughts.  They were amplified on Dec 11, at my son's school concert.  They've reached the overall top of the jar, spilling over as of late. As I was at this holiday concert, there were no holiday songs that were sung.  Why?  Because 1 student was a Jehovah's Witness, and her family would be offended and 2 Jewish students were offended.  Granted, I'm not the most religious type of guy.  We attend the Methodist Church sporadically, and yes I teach sunday school and my kids attend it also.  However, I wouldn't be offended at a holiday concert if Hanukkah songs were sung, or if the limited albe...

On this normal 3rd Friday night of the month, we would be at group.  Baring our souls to others who've had the same pain or some variation of it.  This Friday is different, for many reasons.  Our leader, would only be there in spirit.  Our souls are torn due to tragedy, and overwhelmed with sadness.  My wife and I were unable to attend, due to circumstances beyond our control.  So I sit here, listening and watch youtube videos, most of slightly sad music.  My wife is relaxing in bed, trying not to cough up a lung.  My rugrats are watching Nick Jr and enjoying the yo-yo's bought at school. I sit here, lost in thoughts and reflections, like the Ghost of Christmas past.  I find life very frustrating at the moment.  Sales are slow, tempers are high.  People don't think, and when they do, they don't think about people.  I've found my fuse a shorter lately dealing with people.  I feel selfish comparing any pain I have to tho...

Gracious support above fear, above rage, and above sadness.  That shows a true moral compass of someone.  I have the pleasure, though for a short time, to know Mary Radatovich.  She helps countless parents, like Belinda and myself, cope with the struggling effects of infant loss and bereavement.  For those who know her, she is like an angel sent down.  She has been where we were and survived.  She gives us hope for those suffering now. Right now though, she is suffering.  Unfortunately, a dear friend of hers was affected by the Newtown, CT tragedy.  A young boy she knew personally was struck down, tragically by the shooter at Sandy Hook Elementary.  There could be more, I don't know.  From all I hear, it was a close knit community.  I'm sure she is struggling, as the whole community is, with the loss and the end of the innocence.  Yet I see the NY Daily News covering this story.  I see Mary right there, at someones side....

*Just a disclaimer here.  If I use your name, and you don't want me to, drop me a private line either on text or facebook.  I'll change the names of the innocent, so to speak.  Also, I use this as a forum for my thoughts in my mind.  Sometimes it takes minutes to do a blog, sometimes hours, and sometimes days.  While I might clean up the sentences and grammar to look acceptable, they are 100% of my raw emotions and feelings.  Yes, that might be too strong for some, but I'm not catering to anyone.  Yes, I appreciate feedback and advice.  If it goes with what I'm trying to do, I might even take it.* Last night, was the Memorial Candlelight service at Good Samaritan.  It was, quite frankly, an emotional, sad, happy, crazy draining night.  It continues the road that we started on February 1, 2012.  One I never thought possible, that I never thought we would survive, and thanks to people like Mary Radatovich, we are slowly pulling th...

While I'm sure it's oh so hilarious, this does NOT refer to the television show. I've been searching for that lately.  Online, various websites, magazines, internally.  Normal is a relative term.  What's normal to someone is totally against the grain for someone else.  What is normal, however, for a grieving family.  Is it the guilt a mother feels for failing to protect her child?  Is the feeling an older brother got for being jealous, or thinking it's his fault for getting mommy upset, that his sister went to heaven?  Is it the family pet, knowing that there's an emotional need in the family, tries to fill it by being by someone's side? Perhaps it's the overwhelming feeling to fill and fulfill every waking moment of the ones left behind with memories and good times.  For some, it's the random emotions striking you when you see a christmas ornament in a store.  A song on the radio, which turns the faucet on of your eyes.  Is it feeli...

I looked around and all I saw was spoiled kids.  Girls dressed like they should be on the street corner, 13 going on 30.  Boys swearing, smoking, and dressed like a wanabee ghetto superstar.  A world where Justin Bieber is considered an artist, where Twilight is considered quality cinema, and common sense is a lost art form. Manners have gone the way of the record.  The world is decidedly PC and every child has to win. We've forgotten what sportsmanship is.  How to deal with failure and injustice.  The lesson that life isn't always fair has been replaced with "I want my fair share."  Hard work has been replaced by hardly working.  The "Do not ask what your country can do for you" has been modified to "What have you done for me lately?" It's quite frankly, scary and depressing.  The kids walk around with clothes and phones that cost more than my car payment.  Attitude and rudeness permeate them like a piece of roadkill skunk.  Bu...

Some people mean well, they really do.  They just don't know.  Know what to say or do.  Last night, a friend of ours asked why we didn't decorate outside.  When we said we just weren't into it, he made a comment that it will help to get back into the swing of things.  Totally innocent comment, and meant well.  It's just not that easy.  As we drove away, taking the boys to look at Christmas lights around the neighborhood, my wife commented that he doesn't know what it's like.  I told her, of course he didn't, and hopefully he never will.  Cub Scouts is a commitment.  A commitment to the pack, to the community, and to your fellow scouts.  I understand that there are things that come up.  Family events, emergencies.  Why, though, overbook your child so to speak.  The scouts can be enriching and rewarding.  It teaches teamwork and camaraderie.  However, you can't reap the benefits when you sign them up for ...

Every year, I go all out and decorate our lawn.  Blow-ups, lights, figurines.  The whole shebang.  Even did our inside porch with a small tree and light-up deer.  Had to use the neighbors yard for lights after they gave us a wooden Santa sled about 3 1/2 feet tall and about 6 feet long.  I ended up in half of their yard, my side yard and my front yard.  I used spotlights on things to help the process.  It had to be planned out and spaced to maximize space and outlets.  We've even had people come by our house, year to year to see what new stuff we had.  Granted my front yard is pretty small, so it was an adventure This year, as of this moment, it's plain.  No lights, just the grass that's always a standby.  I'm just not inspired to make the effort to do this project, no matter how it looks.  It's even hard to listen to christmas music, which I usually love.  I wear my Santa hat proudly from Black Friday to Christmas Day, ...

1 :  I eat every vegetable except peppers, though I will eat roasted red peppers or jalapenos in dishes 2 :  I am a Superman and Batman fan, and a mild comic book geek 3 :  I still watching professional wrestling and yes, I know it's fake 4 :  I am a die-hard Mets fan 5 :  I am a big fan of Meatloaf, the singer 6 :  I am a converted country rock fan 7 :  I  listen to sad depressing music, and it makes me feel better 8 :  I use humor to cover up stress and anxiety that I feel 9 :  I used to write sports articles for the local town newspaper 10 :  You just read this for no apparent reason but to appease my ego... Thank you Just remember, your opinions are more than welcome, good and bad.  They are, as a matter of fact, appreciated because it helps me get better, or focus on what I need to improve on. On a serious note, especially with #8.  Those who know me, or just found this blog, or read it because ...

Do you remember when you TRULY lost your innocence?  By that, I mean, when you realized your own mortality.  Most of us had a some sort of pet growing up, that we lost.  Yes it stung, and we cried.  However, it didn't punch us in the gut, making us think about our own lives.  That, usually was a family member. I remember when my grandfather died.  I remember being sad, but I wasn't sure I truly understood it at the time.  I have my memories, but I had no idea how hard it was on anyone else.  I don't think I had a true grasp on what finality death truly is.  I remember a time my great grandmother had a stroke while I was at my grandmother's house.  That, put a spark of fear into me.  I remember her funeral, the open casket, the tears.  Again though, she had lived her full life.  Death was for when you got old. Then in high school, I lost classmates, in a car accident.  People my age.  That's a stark reality st...

The mind and body are a strange thing.  You look at something and have a total different perception than what the person standing right next to you does.  The same for when you look in the mirror.  All of us have skeletons, demons, fears, and shames.  If you don't, you are either lying or just too stupid to know what I'm talking about. When you look at yourself, when you reflect inside, they come bubbling to the surface, like some annoying blemish.  Most people can only stare at their imperfections and flaws.  I know I'm guilty of that too.  This goes along with that opinion post I had a few days ago.  No matter what people say, you still have that self image. There are different reflections based on different aspects or events in life.  The most common reflection I like to think of, is the lake view.  You stare into a lake, and see yourself staring back at you.  A small change happens, new friends, a new car.  If you drop ...

It's a hard thing, no pun intended, to understand why men seem the need to show off or boast.  Some do it by revving up that car, and speeding along a road.  Others try to hit on anything with a pair of boobs.  There are those who use more hygiene products than a drug store carries, and has that orange glow fake tan.   Last night was a guys night out.  While it was only 3 of us, we seemed to revel in it.  I usually feel the need to get the maleness out after my group therapy session for our bereavement group.  I always feel drained emotionally and physically.  It usually repairs my soul and for a moment, makes me think it might be ok. This time, however, I went out the week before.  Maybe if I load up on the testosterone before hand, I won't feel so drained afterwards.  Perhaps its just my hopeful fools wisdom.  The one thing is nice, as it was when I went to dinner with my wife, is just pure adult conversation.  No r...

Sometimes it's brutal honesty.  Other times, it verifies the thoughts in your head.  We all react differently to it.  I was asked an opinion of something today, and when I gave it, I was told how wrong I was and I didn't understand.  That's fine, but if you didn't want my answer, on how it appears, then why ask?  In the end result, I felt like a bad guy, even if I only said what I was thinking.  I'm sorry if my opinion is not what you wanted, or if I'm wrong.  I gave my opinion on facts that I knew. I may be wrong, which isn't first time nor will it be the last.  I can only go on what I know.  On another hand, I made a comment to a friend of mine, and she gave me a brutally honest assessment of it (which happened to be quite in favor of me) but then I shrugged it off, because I didn't believe it.  I didn't intentionally mean to solicit this opinion, but perhaps I was by my phrasing.  I am usually one of the most self deprecating ...

Whether you agree with the election or not and who won, now it's time to address crucial issues.  While I fear time for discussion is far too late, and I think the country is WAY too divided for any real progress, an attempt must be made. 2nd coming of a recession This is scary stuff.  And while I agree our society needs a lot of social changes, we have a responsibility to be fiscally responsible for my children and yours.  Just under the new healthcare laws starting to take effect (full effect by 2014) I'm paying almost $600 more, which is just about a 30% increase.  Take in effect, inflation of only 2%.    Not accounting that the mandate for insurance would put more undue pressure on a struggling small business.  To cover additional expenses in costs for employees by forcing the business to provide coverage means either a) a raise in price to the consumer or b) laid off employees by businesses that can't afford to lay out that extra money ...

With today being election day, and of course the inevitable discussion of Roe v. Wade, my mind wandered.  I honestly didn't have too many thoughts about the subject before.  Whether I agreed with it or not, I never had to think about making that decision.  I can see abortion in the cases of rape, incest, mother/child health or birth defects. Now, after losing a child via stillbirth, I thought long and hard about it.  Meeting people who've lost their only child.  The pain and suffering they go through.  I recall a person from my past, who's gf got an abortion I believe at 19, because she didn't want to be a mother.  My only thought now, that is so selfish.  There are so many parents in this world who want a child, who can't have one.  Who've lost one to due premature birth, stillbirth, miscarriage, SIDS.  I understand its a woman's body.  They have their right to choose. My other pondering is those who are or were in favor of ab...

A long time ago, I used to post online.  I was fairly successful for what I was trying to accomplish.  However, the demands of my time became way too much for me.  I was immature at best and stupid at worst.  Life has evolved. Society has become worse and better in aspects.  I'm married, own a house, in a career now.  I have 3 children, 2 boys and a girl whom I've had to bury.  My perspective has changed.  9 months and 4 days ago, my wife and I lost our baby.  9 months ago tomorrow, we buried her.  Tomorrow is also the election.  I've been voting for 16 years now.  My political ideologies are vastly different from idealistic youth of 18.  My opinion shouldn't matter to you, nor who I like or dislike.  No matter who you like or dislike, just vote. Exercise your rights, and respect everyone's opinion and rights, even if they differ from yours. I'm not trying to influence anyone. I hope you have made an informe...